1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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