and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
