i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My cat gives me a boner
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
