OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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