So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Boobs are out for the taking
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
