so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
