the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
