Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
