Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
