genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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