Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
These tits shall not be calmed
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
