me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
