I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
