Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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