i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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