Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
