You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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