Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
