So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize