guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
