dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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