I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
