I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
