if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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