We named our party play list daddy issues
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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