I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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