i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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