I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
