ya dads aren't the best wingmen
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
