I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
