My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
