She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
