weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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