I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize