My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
