I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
