you would pick up someone in the library
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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