made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize