I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize