you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
