i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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