Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
