Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
