Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
