I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
