I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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