Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
