The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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