On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
