But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
