I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
