well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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