does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
