The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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