you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
