I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
